This is one of the hardest holidays for me, in 1980 on Memorial Day...I slept later than normal, I was completely exhausted. I had identical twin boys that were three months and one day old, on the 26th of May, in 1980...it was Memorial Day.
I woke up suddenly and realized it was daylight, I sat bolt upright because I was normally up tending the babies several times during the night, and I slept through it all. My oldest son who was not even two yet...didn't wake me up, I didn't hear but one baby fussing, I hurried to the end of the hall and started tending to the first baby, it was Mitchell. I changed his diaper and as wet as he was, I thought it would be good to go ahead and change Michaels diaper too and get them both fed since they didn't have a bottle during the night. Their cribs were end to end against one wall.
Micheal was not fussing at all, I turned him over to change him and his lips were dark blue, his eyes glazed over and unblinking. I screamed and my husband came running down the hall...He carried Micheal to the living room and started CPR, I could tell him things to try but, I could not move from his side. He had to tell me to call an abulance. I ran to the phone to call 911. The fire rescue was only a block away and they made it to the house in minutes. I knew when I saw him that he was probably dead, but we tried to save him anyway. The paramedics tried to get a heartbeat and get him breathing and rushed him to the hospital ahead of us. We threw on clothes, grabbed the diaper bag and the boys and took off for the hospital as fast as we could. I remember my husband at the time telling me to make sure and bring clothes for Micheal, because he WAS coming home. When we arrived at the hospital everything seemed like a blur, I vaguely remember them telling us that he had a heartbeat but could not get him breathing on his own and he went into cardiac arrest and died...they had to do an autopsy and because he died at the hospital, we would be investigated, it was routine.
I was just numb, in shock. Blamed myself for sleeping through the night, not feeding them that night. I had taken the twins for a checkup the day before and they got a clean bill of health and their first set of shots. How could this just happen like this? They called it Sudden Infant Death Syndrome or S.I.D.S.
I think that any parent would blame themselves in the death of their child when it happened so suddenly. Micheal had bruises on his legs from getting stuck between the side bars on the crib and the mattress too. I had been in the hospital for almost a month and was not prepared for the twins to be born so early. I was put into a ward room that had six beds when they admitted me on Valentine's Day. I am fairly tall at five foot eight, I was heavy with child and each time I went for a checkup they tried to send me to labor and delivery, I was huge...but I had to explain about the twins growing inside me. Anyway, I had several roommates while I was there at the hospital. I was offered used cribs from two girls that had an extra one. So at least the babies had a place to sleep when we took them home...one of the mattresses did not fit well in the crib, there was a space and after Micheal had fallen between the mattress and the bars and got stuck one night, I had stuffed a sleeping bag down in the space to keep it from happening again.
My sister-in-law and her son were living with us, as was my mother-in-law and her husband. This was a in a two bedroom house mind you...I had told them they would all need to find an apartment or something before I brought the babies home. It was not a bad sized house, it had a formal dining room, a breakfast room, a large eat in sized kitchen and a sun porch in addition to the two bedrooms and living room. But it only had one bathroom. I got stuck in the hospital early because the doctor was worried about me not getting the rest I needed, He had told me I was to lay flat on my back and the only time I could get up was to go to the bathroom. Tell me, how could I do that when I had a toddler, his cousin wasn't even three yet and I was the one they came to when they were hungry? It was difficult for me to do much of anything as big as I was at seven and a half months into my pregnancy...I had to turn sideways at the kitchen sink to even reach the faucet, the counter was very low in this house...if I tried to reach the faucet facing towards the front, my big belly got in the way and I could not touch it.
I am sorry, trying to explain a little of the situation at the time. My husband was working nights and his sister worked during the day, and my mother-in-law was suppose to be tending to the children but she didn't usually get out of bed until 9 or 10...so, I would get up and get breakfast for the boys and usually do the dishes...or try to. The day I was admitted to the hospital my father-in-law was in a car accident, he actually was in the hospital a day or two longer than I was, I don't remember all of his injuries, but he did have a broken leg and was in a cast from his toes to midway up his thigh when he came back to the house. My Mother-in-law, who was suppose to be watching the boys spent most of her time at the hospital with her husband instead. I am not sure how things were going at the house during the time I was in the hospital. I was not happy when I came home though, I didn't get to bring my babies home, my Mother-in-law had gone through all of my things, stripped my bed of my new sheets and bedspread and they were on her bed and was wearing my clothes! You talk about pissed off...and they had not moved out yet!
It was not a good time in my life. It was also my first experience with death. I had never been to a funeral and I was being investigated for the death of my child and having to try and make funeral and burial arrangements for the first time and I was barely 21 years old. I kept dreaming about different scenarios, maybe what we could have done differently, how we could have helped Micheal differently, dreaming that he actually came home from the hospital that day. It was tough, I drank a lot the first few days after it happened...I wanted to numb the pain of his death and all that was chaotic in my world at the time. It is hard not to think about everything that happened that Memorial Day, it rushes back at me even after all this time. I think it would have killed me too, if it had not been for Mitchell, Micheals twin brother. I snapped out of it for him and Jeremy's sakes. It was three months and one day after the twins were born that Micheal passed away. I went through counseling after it happened, my husband did not...I think he may have blamed me or maybe himself for Micheals death, I am not sure...he never talked about it.
I hope you have better Memorial Day memories than I. It has a different meaning to me than most people. I lost a son, but gained a Gardian Angel and he has watched over us ever since then. I have asked him to watch over and protect his brothers on numerous occasions. They both spent time or are spending time in the Military. Mitchell spent almost two years fighting the war in the war in Iraq, and I think Micheal kept him safe from bodily harm and brought him home to me in one piece physically. War is hard on everyone who is involved...don't forget the families of our fallen. Memorial Day is a day of remembrance, let us not forget those who sacrificed their lives fighting for our freedom and to keep us that way.
I am sorry if my writing is fragmented sometimes or seems strange, my life has not been an easy one, parts of it I rather just block out and forget...but not anything having to do with my kids.
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